The Impossible Dream

I'm in love.

Sort of.

But I'm not in love with a person, rather an idea. This is not unusual for me. 

Sometimes I just love the idea of falling in love with a person because it would be so convenient - it would save time, effort, money, heartache, and failure - what's not to like?! Sometimes I love the idea of loving somebody when I know they don't, and won't, feel the same way - "there's a continuous low-grade suffering that becomes a sort of addiction in its own right" and at times I just can't help myself. 

(And yes, that link sends you to an article about soccer. Read it.)

But here's the problem - I already do a lot of settling in my life. I settle out of necessity, and it doesn't bother me at all - in fact I kind of enjoy it, but I can only settle for so many things. I drive an old (ish) car I don't like; I buy microwave burritos, cheap toilet paper, and Wal-Mart bread; I live in a modest but ghetto-ish apartment, wearing clothes that are far from 'hip' (they usually don't even match...), keeping warm under a blanket that I've had since third grade. I could continue, as I'm sure we all could, but I think you understand what I'm saying. I do settle for less in many aspects of my life, and I enjoy it - it makes sense to settle (in these instances) - it saves me time, money, and energy - all to be spent on more important things (like school, maybe?). But when it comes to love (I'm using the L-word a lot in this post..I must be getting old) I can't make myself settle for less - it wouldn't be fair to me, and it wouldn't be fair to the other half of the equation.

So what am I looking for? What am I holding out for? Well, I want a love that makes me feel vulnerable and safe at the same time; I want to feel lost at sea yet right at home, out of my league but somehow right where I belong. I want a love that doesn't make sense, yet makes perfect sense; that makes other people ask questions while answering all of mine. I want to know exactly why, or for whom, I'm getting out of bed in the morning. I want to feel, some days, like we've never met yet never been apart. I want to feel like it was all worth it - like I finally got something right.

In matters of love, it seems, we experience more disappointment than success; more heartache than happiness. So often we find ourselves saying "( I ) hoped for better, but it turned out as it always does." (Viktor Chernomyrdin)

"It's the hope that kills you. Disappointment is never far off." - James Appell

I don't know if a love like I'm looking for actually exists, or if it's simply the product of too many movies and sappy quotes. This may come as a surprise to you, but I am no expert in the field of love and I freely admit that I may be looking for too much. While it may be the hope that kills me, that makes sure I stay acquainted with disappointment, it also tells me there is so much more. 

So I will continue to hope - to believe that there is something more out there and that the wait will be worth it. Then I will continue to hope against hope - to search for that which may not exist, to strive to accomplish that which may be impossible - because when it comes to love, I can't afford to settle for anything less.

"There's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost, that the ship has sailed, and that only a fool will continue. The truth is, I've always been a fool."