This post gets no name

Okie doke folks - I've been neglecting the blog lately, so I figure if I post two things in one day it somehow makes up for a month with no posts. This post is pretty much completely pointless - I simply took one of those 'note' things that used to get sent around on facebook, copied what I wrote there (with a few minor alterations), and put it here. I guess you might learn a thing or two about me...enjoy?

1. I've never been a writer (this is to warn anyone who may be reading), but I wish I was. In fact, I want to write two books (only because I randomly thought of two titles..). Being a writer is just one item on my 'I wish I was' list.

2. I'm an awkward human being. If you're reading this you probably already know that, but a list of facts about my life would simply be incomplete without this drop of knowledge.

3. I once bit off a (tiny) part of my own tongue while playing football. I can't think of a time when I felt more macho (although I probably should have felt like an idiot..). Side note to all you football players out there (since I have so many friends still playing football): keep your tongue in your mouth when tackling/getting tackled.

4. I don't do a whole lot of talking, unless of course I have something to say. Maybe that sounds strange, but do some listening to the people you're surrounded by all day - not talking is a good habit.

5. I still remember the first time I heard what my voice actually sounds like. It about gave me some sort of identity crisis - I felt like I didn't even know myself..I sounded ridiculous! Still do, of course, but I'm coping.

6. I have a bald spot. It's how my family recognizes me, so it's kind of made me who I am. Also, it's seen 23 years of sun, so it might be the death of me.

7. I like to use periods to represent awkward pauses...See?! I did it without even thinking! I'm trying to cut back though..

p.s. That's how awkward I am, these periods literally represent little awkward pauses to my brain.

8. Growing up I had trouble deciding if I would be a professional football player or basketball player. Mother Nature helped me with that decision - I was always too scrawny for football, and too short for basketball (in neither case do I mention not being talented enough..don't worry I'm well aware of that problem, I just didn't think it was even worth mentioning) so the obvious choice had to be - soccer! Who says I should have realistic goals? I'm expecting a contract offer any day now...

9. Speaking of sports: I love playing sports! There's a common assumption that I enjoy competing against: Short, scrawny, quiet people can't be athletic/good at sports. It never gets old.

Also, if you ever play basketball against me, don't make me mad - short, scrawny me will bother you, and beat you to the basket. I promise.

10. I love competing, and I absolutely love being the underdog. There isn't much that motivates me more than being doubted.

11. I enjoy laughter (although I don't actually laugh out loud very often) and am very easily entertained. Speaking of being entertained - I sometimes make fun of people in my brain. Well, I mean, I make fun of people with my brain......there aren't people in my brain.

12. I'm pretty sure I'm an old man trapped in a young body. I like going to bed early (even though I don't do it), my knees always ache, my body cracks, and I really want a cane and velcro shoes..

13. I really like big buildings, and stadiums.

14. I served a mission in the Missouri Independence Mission and it was fantastic! I'd go back right now if I could. Lawrence, Kansas is my home away from home.

15. If I ever grow up and get a real job, my one goal is to actually enjoy going into work. One thing I dislike more than going into work, is the fact that I dislike going into work. What a waste! This is why I'd like to teach seminary - we'll see what happens there.. (Side note, I actually like my job now, but I've had many jobs that I didn't like..I think you know what I mean)

16. I HATE the sound of eating. And swallowing. Hate it. I'm talking about all eating - I don't even like to hear myself eat (I've literally spent years trying to train myself to eat and drink quietly). Eating in dead silence is torture to my brain. Eating with only one other person at the table with no background noise, also torture.

17. Speaking of eating, I really don't like having food on my hands. Bread and stuff like that is fine - but grease, Doritos etc. not so much. I eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. Is that weird?

18. I miss the high school days. Yep, I said it. I  thought high school was a blast! I loved just hanging out all the time and living the zero responsibility life. I still live that life, it's just not as fun as it used to be - there are consequences now.

19. I don't watch a ton of movies. You can pretty much assume that my answer to the question 'Have you seen _________?' will be 'Nope, sorry.'

20. I'm not as intelligent as I should be, but not as dumb as I could be. Actually, typing that sentence just made me feel more intelligent - victory! It took a long time, but I've accepted the fact that I'm pretty much just an average human being. It was a tough lesson to figure out, but it's a good thing to come to grips with.

21. I have four brothers, they have names. I have one sister, her name is Sister.

22. I've already figured out the names of my first two children. Child number one (boy or girl) Smoosh Boots. Child number two ( number two will be a girl..she has to be, or else her name won't fit) Tolanda. The name Antoine is in the running for child number three, in honor of Antoine Dodson - my homeboy.

23. I don't believe in sarcasm. I find it offensive, degrading and insulting...........that may or may not be a lie.

24. I think it'd be a blast to run for president. I don't want the job, I just want to campaign for it

25. I'm starving. Right this second, all I want is food. This is not rare for me - I think there should be at least six meals a day.

26. I think I may expect too much from the human race. I don't think it's unreasonable for people to act in a manner they know they should. But every day people manage to fall short of these expectations. Dear humanity, just be decent - and stop thinking about yourself.

(as I'm writing a list all about me, my message is stop thinking about yourself..maybe a little hypocritical?)

27. I assume a lot. I know it's a bad habit, but if it makes you feel any better - I kind of tend to be right. Well, that's my assumption anyway..

28. I'm a pretty oblivious human being. Sometimes I'm amazed at how unaware I am..

29. There will always be a special place in my heart for popcorn and skittles. Oh, and tacos. One more? Pizza too.

(Just for the record, I had tacos for lunch..and may have just decided to have pizza for dinner. Good day.)

30. Sometimes I hunt skinwalkers. Sometimes I have conversations with random homeless people that walk out of the bushes at one in the morning. And sometimes I'm good at accidentally making people really dislike me. Oops.

The Impossible Dream

I'm in love.

Sort of.

But I'm not in love with a person, rather an idea. This is not unusual for me. 

Sometimes I just love the idea of falling in love with a person because it would be so convenient - it would save time, effort, money, heartache, and failure - what's not to like?! Sometimes I love the idea of loving somebody when I know they don't, and won't, feel the same way - "there's a continuous low-grade suffering that becomes a sort of addiction in its own right" and at times I just can't help myself. 

(And yes, that link sends you to an article about soccer. Read it.)

But here's the problem - I already do a lot of settling in my life. I settle out of necessity, and it doesn't bother me at all - in fact I kind of enjoy it, but I can only settle for so many things. I drive an old (ish) car I don't like; I buy microwave burritos, cheap toilet paper, and Wal-Mart bread; I live in a modest but ghetto-ish apartment, wearing clothes that are far from 'hip' (they usually don't even match...), keeping warm under a blanket that I've had since third grade. I could continue, as I'm sure we all could, but I think you understand what I'm saying. I do settle for less in many aspects of my life, and I enjoy it - it makes sense to settle (in these instances) - it saves me time, money, and energy - all to be spent on more important things (like school, maybe?). But when it comes to love (I'm using the L-word a lot in this post..I must be getting old) I can't make myself settle for less - it wouldn't be fair to me, and it wouldn't be fair to the other half of the equation.

So what am I looking for? What am I holding out for? Well, I want a love that makes me feel vulnerable and safe at the same time; I want to feel lost at sea yet right at home, out of my league but somehow right where I belong. I want a love that doesn't make sense, yet makes perfect sense; that makes other people ask questions while answering all of mine. I want to know exactly why, or for whom, I'm getting out of bed in the morning. I want to feel, some days, like we've never met yet never been apart. I want to feel like it was all worth it - like I finally got something right.

In matters of love, it seems, we experience more disappointment than success; more heartache than happiness. So often we find ourselves saying "( I ) hoped for better, but it turned out as it always does." (Viktor Chernomyrdin)

"It's the hope that kills you. Disappointment is never far off." - James Appell

I don't know if a love like I'm looking for actually exists, or if it's simply the product of too many movies and sappy quotes. This may come as a surprise to you, but I am no expert in the field of love and I freely admit that I may be looking for too much. While it may be the hope that kills me, that makes sure I stay acquainted with disappointment, it also tells me there is so much more. 

So I will continue to hope - to believe that there is something more out there and that the wait will be worth it. Then I will continue to hope against hope - to search for that which may not exist, to strive to accomplish that which may be impossible - because when it comes to love, I can't afford to settle for anything less.

"There's a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost, that the ship has sailed, and that only a fool will continue. The truth is, I've always been a fool."